900 WORDS OF EPIC RANT THE LIKES OF WHICH THE WORLD HAS SELDOM SEEN!

Monday , 10, April 2017 12 Comments

YES! It’s blog post time, time for me to crank out 900 words of scintillating prose in the form of a scathing review, a brutal editorial, or a brilliant and inspiring speech calling for the brave Pulp Revolutionaries to storm the citadel of Tradpub and cast down their Golden Idols. Hey, I’m Daddy Warpig—it’s what I do!

Except…

Look, I’ll be straight with you—nothing I’ve encountered recently has got me roused enough, enthused enough, or angry enough to churn out 900 words talking about it. I’m just not that inspired. Tonight I went striding up the hill to the Well o’ Angry Rants, dropped in the bucket, and the damn thing was bone dry.

So instead of 900 words ranting about one thing, let’s spend 100 words apiece ranting about nine different things, every single one of which I’ve recently played, read, or listened to.

TAKE IT AWAY WARPIG!

Homefront: The Revolution—This game plays like Far Cry 3 or 4 (or, really, any recent open world Ubisoft game), but with the bugs dialed up and the fun dialed down. Set aside the utterly nonsensical premise—North Korea conquered America because their advanced technology was just that good—it isn’t a well done game. It could have been, but wasn’t. There is some fun to be had here, if you like these kinds of games, but other than that, stay away.

John Mollison’s Sudden Rescue—If you’ve read it, you know why it’s good. If you haven’t, WHAT ARE YOU STILL DOING HERE? Buy it. Read it. Review it. Enjoy.

The BABYMETAL Picture—Origin unknown, I saw it retweeted on the Twitters. I quite like it, don’t you?

JimFear138’s podcast—Great interviews with Jon Mollison, Jeffro Johnson, yours truly, and more. It’s a great podcast. Take a listen.

F.E.A.R.: Extraction Point—Man, we’re going old school with this one. This expansion for F.E.A.R., published 11 years ago, tries really hard to actually expand on the formula of its predecessor, but largely fails. The mythos of Alma and Armacham just isn’t deep enough to support the variety of enemies a monster-mash shooter like this requires. It’s repetitive, is what I’m saying. Makes me realize just how good the level design and game design on Titanfall 2 is.

Girl You Know It’s True, Milli Vanilli—Even MORE old schoolish. Set aside the lip-synching controversy (result of incompetent executive meddling), the album generated FIVE #1 hits and lasted 8 weeks atop the Billboard 200 chart. These are NOT the signifiers of a bad album, by any means. VERY old-fashioned (it was released almost 3 decades ago), it’s still a fun Dance-Pop album.

Cirsova #5—P Alexander is a great editor, and getting better every issue. The highlight of this one are a bundle of stories set in Misha Burnett’s prehistoric Lovecraftian Eldritch Earth setting. I recommend reading every issue of Cirsova, and this one is no exception.

McDonald’s vs. Chick-fil-A—McDonald’s is cheap, but not superb (its primary virtue being reliability: no matter where you go, you get the exact same burger). Chick-fil-A is STUPENDOUS, but pricey (and just as reliable, in my experience). Given a choice, and presuming sufficient availability of liquid funds, I choose Chick-fil-A every single time.

Batman: Arkham Asylum—HOLY CRAP was this a good game. The “Predator” gameplay perfectly encapsulated what being Batman should be like, and Kevin Conroy (of Batman: the Animated Series fame) delivers another knockout performance as the Dark Knight. Well worth playing.

THREE BONUS MINI-MINI NETFLIX STAND-UP COMEDY REVIEWS!

Gabriel Iglesias, “I’m Sorry for What I Said When I Was Hungry”—Funny, and largely clean. Typical of modern comedy, it’s all about Iglesias, his family, and friends, but the humor is funny and fresh, and Iglesias feels no need to be “edgy”, meaning he can actually have some fun with it. A Netflix Original, it’s only available through their streaming service.

Jeff Dunham, “A Spark of Insanity”—Ten years old, and the humor is a little dated, but despite that Achmed the Dead Terrorist and Walter are as funny as ever. Great ventriloquism requires a colorful dummy, and Dunham comes complete with five. Also currently available on Netflix streaming, it’s well worth checking out.

Dave Chappelle’s Netflix Double Bill—Dave (last seen dropping the ball on his amazing Comedy Central show ten years ago) came out of retirement to record two shows for Netflix. Frankly, he should have stayed retired. Not funny, mostly painful.

And, because I’ve got a few words left I can use to rant about something, you really should buy Jon Mollison’s Sudden Rescue. It’s got nicely done sci, and even better fi. It’s got a heroic male lead, a capable but feminine female lead who DOESN’T karate chop all the bad guys right in the nads (thus proving she’s a STRONG CAPABLE WIMMIN WHAT DOESN’T NEED ONE OF THOSE FILTHY, FILTHY MALE MEN!)

I’m sick of stories in which women at like sexless eunuchs, completely uninterested in men, until they suddenly jump into bed with them for no adequately explained reason. It’s aggravating, it’s boring, and Jon Mollison doesn’t do that here. There’s plenty of other reasons to like the book, but that’s one of the biggies. Seriously, you should go buy it and read it. I’ve even included a link so you can do so. Twice.

That’s it for this edition of “Daddy Warpig Reviews Everything”! Tune in next time when I’ll probably be picking a fight with, I don’t know, the Bronies or some damn thing.

Hey, it’s what I do!

PS—The Pulp Revolutionaries really should storm the citadel of Tradpub and cast down their Golden Idols. Awesomeness awaits.


Jasyn Jones, better known as Daddy Warpig, is a host on the Geek Gab podcast, a regular on the Superversive SF livestreams, and blogs at Daddy Warpig’s House of Geekery. Check him out on Twitter.

12 Comments
  • deuce says:

    Buying popcorn for the Bronie fight.

    Still not tired of winning.

  • John E. Boyle says:

    Sign me up for the fight with the Bronies. There are some things that are too stupid to be allowed to live.

  • Rawle Nyanzi says:

    I like that Babymetal image.

  • Douglas Cole says:

    On Chick Fil-A: I had my first Chick Fil-A experience within the last few months. I was impressed. The food was good, even my 7yo and near 3yo love both the chicken and the soup, and they greet you with a smile, customer-focused intensity, and prompt, courteous service. It’s a delightful experience, even if the “Eat More Chiken” cow terrifies my toddler.

  • Jesse Lucas says:

    Okay, genres, we don’t like genres, and that can mean keeping the wizards on your plate from touching the rockets on your plate, but it also means that to us movies and novels and video games are the same. So our creative output is typically the stuff that one guy or gal on their own can produce in their spare time, and I know movies are a tremendous amount of effort, but I’d like to see some of us pulling our GG contacts and working on a pulprev game, storming THOSE gates at the same time.

    • Alex says:

      Dude, Jay Barnson would be someone to talk to about that. Not only has he written several stories for us, he’s also an indie game dev.

  • Andy says:

    I’ve enjoyed actually eating Chick Fil-A sandwiches but for some reason it always hits my digestive system pretty hard later on. It’s one of the only fast food franchises my stomach dislikes.

    Yes, Arkham Asylum is really good. I knew they had nailed it when I strung a guy up from a gargoyle, and then when his buddies investigated I threw a batarang to cut him down, which caused his partners to start freaking out and shooting at random shadows.

  • I liked the more up-to-date of Chapelle’s two shows, the one with him dressed in something that looks like a uniform, almost. It was surprisingly thoughtful, with less outright vulgarity than his other show (though still with lots of profanity and calculated uncomfortable moments).

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