Jesse Abraham Lucas Presents: The Trial of Daddy Warpig

Sunday , 19, March 2017 11 Comments

SCENE: A gray morning in Paris. Smoke rises from the wreckage of the Bastille and the Governor’s palace. A COURT has been set up in the main plaza, with planks set on barrels forming the benches. To the side a guillotine has been erected, by which an EXECUTIONER glowers. Surrounding is a horde of angry PEASANTS in rustic, picturesque clothing, clutching farm tools. At the center of the court, sitting on a fine velvet chair raised on a platform of cobblestones, sits the JUDGE, played by Jesse Lucas in a powdered wig. To the JUDGE’S left sits the DEFENSE ATTORNEY, played by JESSE LUCAS in a ragged officer’s uniform, chewing on a licorice-filled cheroot. To the right sits the PROSECUTOR, a disheveled aristocrat with an off-centered ascot, also played by JESSE LUCAS.


BAILIFF: Oyez! Oyez! Oyez! May it please the Court and the Revolutionary Council that charges are to be brought against one DADDY WARPIG, also known as JASYN JONES, that said Mr. WARPIG has engaged in acts of treason against the Pulp Revolution, by knowingly and in violation of honored statute engaging in foul practices of declaring those who are having fun to be wrong, and by leading the public to believe that such are the acts of true Pulp Revolutionaries, by repeatedly and wrongfully declaring hard science fiction and its readers and proponents to be enemies of the revolution, thus casting out the very fans the Revolution was engendered to protect. Mr. PROSECUTOR, do you recognize these charges as those you are sworn to determine the truth of, before the JUDGE, the PEOPLE, the STATE, and ALMIGHTY GOD?

PROSECUTOR, closing a hand mirror: I do.

BAILIFF: And you, the DEFENSE, do you also recognize these charges on the same terms?

DEFENSE, sighing: Yes.

BAILIFF: Mr. WARPIG, how do you plead?

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  • Hooc Ott says:

    I choked my ire and held my peace, and the judge squalled that I had shown contempt for the court, and that I should be hurled into the dungeon to rot until I betrayed my Pulp Revolution friends. So then, seeing they were all mad, I drew my sword and cleft the judge’s scull.

  • JonM says:

    This is the sort of blog post that makes me eager to read a book or novella by Jesse Lucas.

  • B&N says:

    I was expecting Daddy Warpig to be offered a plea deal, I mean, a pulp deal.

  • Daddy Warpig says:

    Errybody know I’m like the Scarlet Pimpernel up in this piece.

  • NARoberts says:

    The young CLERK watches, dazed with fear, as the judge is struck down by HOOC OTT. JESSIE LUCAS springs from the wings, and catching up the crumpled judicial vestments, places them upon himself.

    The CLERK trembles. His fear is not for himself, but for his beloved cause. Is this the schism which will break the Pulprev even before it can fairly start? He had tried to avert such a pass! He had counseled moderation and reminded his brethren of the common enemy. Was it all for naught?

    He casts entreating eyes upon the red, red, and red of the Pulprev flag. It still flies full and proud above the mad, shouting, jostling crowd. As long as this wind blows that tricolor shall wave.

    NARoberts, the CLERK, is humbled and at peace. He steps back as his paper and quills are scattered upon the ground. In the crowd he sees a man whom he does not recognize. It is DADDY WARPIG, disguised as the Scarlet Pimpernel.

    The PEASANTS overturn the benches and surge forward, and it is more than the SOLDIERS can do to hold them back!

  • deuce says:

    Good stuff! It provoked a few chuckles. When are we gonna see the #Freedaddywarpig hashtag trending?

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